A Few Little Tips, From Me to You

In honor of my office holiday party tonight, I thought I'd give a few helpful hints for all your merry-making:

1. When attending your holiday party, don't be "that girl." You will know you are she if you are the only person left at the party and the hosts are shoving coffee down your throat in an attempt to sober you up.
2. Inevitably, you will have a high number of small talk instances. Talking about kids and family is okay. Do not, however, relay details of breastfeeding or (gasp) labor with your coworkers or their spouses. Remember, you have to see these people on Monday.
3. Moving on from the holiday party to holiday decorations: Do not decorate the outside or inside of your house with a one-toned lighting scheme, unless that color is white. Frankly, all you people that put up thousands of little red lights make your neighbors think that you just might be recreating Dante's fifth circle of hell.
4. Accept it, Christmas will never ever be as good as it was when you were five. No gift can ever equal your first Care Bear. Move on.
5. When composing your Christmas newsletter, give the details that people actually want to know about. This does not include every award won, car bought or, God forbid, raises given.