HR

I'm serving on the "hiring team" at work right now. Basically, this involves scanning piles of resumes and making remarks on them. I've decided this is the ultimate in self-esteem boosting. There are some very large idiots out there. For instance. Joe Public, your experience as "lead cashier" at Wal-Mart does not qualify you for managing multi-million dollar budgets.

Also, Cindy Citizen, your awful and blatant misspellings have caused me to invent new snide and insightful comments to write in the margins of your cover page. FYI, Indianapolis is not spelled Indianpolis and it is not correct to use the phrase "I'm being so interested in applying."

However, the best part of this whole process is the assumption that at the end of the process we will have new, competent staff to take some of the work off my back. That, dear reader, is worth reading even Jane Doe's "writing sample" taken from her years on the high school year book staff.

Give me land, lots of land

Well, readers, I've become a real estate mogul. Or, at least, a person who has a Realtor and is looking at house...which is nearly the same thing.

I've decided looking at houses is a wonderful experience. You say your preferences and Poof! you get a phone call an hour later saying yes, here you go, let's go see them. It's as if suddenly I am The Most Important Person in the World and all that matters is my latest whim. I need to see something with two stories. Done! Make it have a patio. Done! Wait, how about a master bath with a whirlpool tub. Done!

So, since I have some serious sticker shock about the actually buying, I've decided to prolong this little adventure for as long as possible. However, I anticipate that by fall I will be a homeowner, begin shopping at Lowe's, and become an expert on water heaters.

Why I'm Proud to be an American

1. The lovely combination of pride and distaste for American white trash.
2. Obsessive fanaticism about all things sporty--including bandwagoning on the World Cup when, in all honesty, we didn't know what soccer was 20 years ago.
3. An equal love for bad pop: Ryan Cabrera, the Britney era, Wayne Newton...
4. Las Vegas
5. Horrid comments made okay by the phrase, God Bless Her Heart or God Love Him.
6. Excess. Excess. Excess.
   
7. Supreme guilt because of that excess.
8. Our fascination with train wreck news stories: the runaway doe-eyed bride, the man who chopped off his own arm, Lorena Bobbitt, etc.
   
9. The patronizing thought that imported celebrities didn't really exist before they arrived on US soil.
10. A place where we can argue about gay marriage, flag burning and abortion and still manage to change the channel to watch Guiliana Depandi talk about pink being the new black.