All I Want for Christmas

If you are looking for the gift your loved one will love to hate, this is the list for you. Unlike Oprah and others, these items are for those you maybe don't even like all that well, but have to give something to.

TOP TEN GIFTS TO GIVE TO THOSE YOU SORTA LOVE BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO:

1. A Simon Gift Card. Nothing says "I don't know you" like an impersonal piece of plastic that will later charge you for using it.
2. A puppy calendar you got on clearance. It may be missing a month or two or even have the wrong days, but whatever, you tried.
3. The leftover White Elephant from the office holiday party. Yes, it may be a doily or perhaps a Santa that is blue and red rather than green and red, but nothing says I have to get you something like the bad gift leftovers.
4. The classics. And I don't mean Jane Austen or William Shakespeare. I'm talking ChiaPet, the Clapper and other made-for-TV goodies.
   
5. Fruitcake. The universal symbol of gift-giving lethargy.
6. A nativity scene. For your Jewish friend of a friend.
   
7. Cheap chocolate. Normally this is only reserved for cheap grandmothers around the Easter season, but you can easily extend this little gem to include gross little nuggets of bad chocolate Christmas trees.
8. It's a Wonderful Life. It's a crappy movie but no one will admit it. Every time a bell rings, drink.
   
9. A years subscription to a magazine. Last year's subscription, that is. Use this opportunity to clear off the coffee table and get rid of all those pesky copies of TIME, OK and Dog Fancy. Tell your giftee that you've started their very own time capsule.
10. The Vintage Item of Your Choice. And by vintage I mean old and out of date. Think of all the possibilities lurking around your home, office or neighborhood junk store.
    

Like a Corner of My Mind

Last night was not my office Christmas party. No, last night was my old office Christmas party, which is way more fun.

When else are you going to reminisce about the time that a coworker asked an intern to stop at the local "naughty store" to pick up a thong for her, or when she opened up to the group and shared how she exercises for her husband in the nude. Or when yet another coworker assumed the role of a former president and propositioned an intern...in front of the other interns. And then there was the time that a new mom coworker was nursing her baby, had a male coworker walk in the office without knocking and then proceed to have a conversation while the new mom continued to be, well, exposed.

How come work always seems more fun after you leave the office?

Help Wanted

Position: Presidential Candidate
Employer: We, the People

Qualifications: Must be over 35 years-old (sorry for the age discrimination!), have appropriately graying hair, wear suits most of the time, unless conversing with "the people", in which case, a nice polo will do.

Desired traits:

• Team Player (most of the time)
• Good public speaker--ability to speak without talking points a plus.
• Knowledge of domestic and foreign policy--or at least a desire to learn and former college roommate who "knows that kind of stuff."

Finally

Have you ever noticed that the last two weeks at work before the holiday break seem a lot like finals in college? I've been making a list of the items I need to get done, day by day, in order to leave the workplace for two whole weeks. As if suddenly everyone else in the world will be put into hyper drive, rather the stand-still that actually will occur.

I'm planning late nights, early mornings, bizarre sleeping patterns and lugging my laptop around with me everywhere. I'm buying weird things at the grocery store to keep my blood sugar in check during late nights at work and feeling an overwhelming desire to put on flannel pants and an sorority t-shirt that says Catch the Fever.