The Great Pumpkin or, When the Frost is on the Punkin'

Happy Halloween! Yes, it's that lovely day of the year when it is okay to dress up like fools, knock on strangers' doors and gorge on candy corn. American consumerism at it's best.

In honor of the spooky holiday, I have composed a brief list of "to-do's" to make your Halloween all the more special:

1. Watch Silence of the Lambs and perfect your impersonation of Buffalo Bill's voice. ("You 'bout a size 14?") You will win 'em over at the Halloween party.
2. Eat nothing but candy, all day long. Might I suggest Junior Mints for breakfast, Snickers for lunch (you'll need something that really satisfies) and Kit-Kat's for a pre-trick-or-treating snack.
3. Be imaginative when thinking up your costume. You'll get extra points for originality. However, make sure it's something that doens't need constant explaining. A character from Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, for instance, might not be the thing, unless you are an English professor going to a party of coworkers.
4. Use dry ice as much as possible.
5. Do not, I repeat, Do Not Give Out Raisins! The children in your neighborhood will hate you and you will be come "Old Mrs. or Old Mr. So-and-So" for the rest of your life.
6. Forget the traditional Jack-O-Latern and carve your pumpkin into the face of Lindsay Lohen or some other scary Hollywood-type.
7. Turn your office into a scence from Psycho using stuffed birds and screeching violins.

And remember, don't eat Smartees from strangers.